This weekend Kathryn and I, as well as Kat's family, went to the wedding of Kathryn's god-parent's son. I was quite excited because they are Indian (the groom at least), and I was expecting an ethnic celebration with all kinds of foods I've never heard of and people playing instruments I've never seen.
It was the most normal Roman-Catholic wedding you could imagine. Score one point for Westernization. And score another point for Bebo's American stereotypes not panning out. And score yet another point for Bebo breaking his 11 wedding streak of getting obnoxiously drunk and doing something he will regret.
Honestly, it was great. And all of the food was vegetarian until the last plate when they brought out the veal. Some would say that is one extreme to the other, but I digress. The DJ, who was very funny, before the veal came out, asked if there were any vegetarians in the house. Since I had already told the waiters that I would not be dining on any baby cow that eve, I didn't raise my hand because I didn't want to get made fun of. But he said that he hates people that say they are vegetarian but eat fish and chicken because, "that's like someone saying 'I'm straight. I'm a total lady's man. But all I want right now is a well-hung black man'."
In closing, as some of you may know, today is Victoria Day in Canada which celebrates the birthday of Queen Victoria. And as an American with Irish ancestry, I say "Long live the Queen!"
Monday, May 19, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
The Maverick we love to hate.
Hello everybody. Summer vacation is a beautiful thing, isn't it? It offers one a chance to catch up on everything they want to and then some. It has also afforded me the chance to scour the far corners of the internet to ask the burning question that is on everyone's minds - "Why is John McCain the worst possible person to be president?" The only way to answer that question is in list form, naturally, so here goes.
Why I hate John McCain (a buffer for all who would care to know)
1. He is a 'flip-flopper' on everything from Bush's tax cuts (He voted against them in 2001 and said said at the time, “I cannot in good conscience support a tax cut in which so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate among us at the expense of middle-class Americans who need tax relief.” He now fully supports them and wants them to become permanent.) to campaign finance reform (so much so that he got in on a bill called McCain-Feingold Act which was a huge deal. And then he neglected to support it) and everything in-between.
2. He wants us to be in Iraq for 100 years.
3. He was one of the Keating Five and got off with a slap on the wrist.
4. He is a misogynist. He has no problems with a supporter asking him how he is going to "Beat the bitch" in reference to Hillary Clinton. He even gets a nice little chuckle out of it. He has also said some very horrible things to his wife:
When he was asked about this recently by a baptist minister, he acted like he was shocked to hear such language (unlike when someone calls Hillary Clinton a bitch) and DIDN'T DENY IT:
4. McCain is against net neutrality. This is something that many people feel could be one of the most important issues within the next 10 years. It is basically about the right of the internet to be an open channel without any filtering from companies or business blocking access to certain sites. For example, if you have Comcast internet, without net neutrality, they would be able to block you from going to YouTube or Yahoo! and you would have to pay extra for those 'privileged sites'. Or worse, Comcast could block you from looking at ATT's website so you can't be thinking about switching service. However, according to John McCain, "When you control the pipe you should be able to get profit from your investment.”
5. This video should kind of sum it up nicely.
And if that doesn't convice you, this should.
In closing, "Quoth the maverick, 'forever war'"
Why I hate John McCain (a buffer for all who would care to know)
1. He is a 'flip-flopper' on everything from Bush's tax cuts (He voted against them in 2001 and said said at the time, “I cannot in good conscience support a tax cut in which so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate among us at the expense of middle-class Americans who need tax relief.” He now fully supports them and wants them to become permanent.) to campaign finance reform (so much so that he got in on a bill called McCain-Feingold Act which was a huge deal. And then he neglected to support it) and everything in-between.
2. He wants us to be in Iraq for 100 years.
3. He was one of the Keating Five and got off with a slap on the wrist.
4. He is a misogynist. He has no problems with a supporter asking him how he is going to "Beat the bitch" in reference to Hillary Clinton. He even gets a nice little chuckle out of it. He has also said some very horrible things to his wife:
Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." McCain's excuse was that it had been a long day.
When he was asked about this recently by a baptist minister, he acted like he was shocked to hear such language (unlike when someone calls Hillary Clinton a bitch) and DIDN'T DENY IT:
4. McCain is against net neutrality. This is something that many people feel could be one of the most important issues within the next 10 years. It is basically about the right of the internet to be an open channel without any filtering from companies or business blocking access to certain sites. For example, if you have Comcast internet, without net neutrality, they would be able to block you from going to YouTube or Yahoo! and you would have to pay extra for those 'privileged sites'. Or worse, Comcast could block you from looking at ATT's website so you can't be thinking about switching service. However, according to John McCain, "When you control the pipe you should be able to get profit from your investment.”
5. This video should kind of sum it up nicely.
And if that doesn't convice you, this should.
In closing, "Quoth the maverick, 'forever war'"
Monday, April 28, 2008
A broken man.
Like that iron man runner that hobbles towards the finish line in that Gatorade commercial, I am officially done with my first year of university. My finals season was spread out over about two weeks and broke me like a steed. Be it stress or Canada, I have somehow acquired a cold/infection/curse that led Kathryn and I to a French, socialist hospital last night. Alas, I trudge on.
Now that my pity party is over, let's get on to the good stuffs. I officially will NOT fail out of school, I live with my best friend who I am madly in love with, there is no more snow on the ground, and best of all, the Cubs are in first place. Life is good.
It's nap time now. There is another hockey game tonight so if you don't hear from me, just assume that I was torched in a drunken, sovereign-obsessed, police car-burning riot.
(sorry for the horrible music in this video)
Now that my pity party is over, let's get on to the good stuffs. I officially will NOT fail out of school, I live with my best friend who I am madly in love with, there is no more snow on the ground, and best of all, the Cubs are in first place. Life is good.
It's nap time now. There is another hockey game tonight so if you don't hear from me, just assume that I was torched in a drunken, sovereign-obsessed, police car-burning riot.
(sorry for the horrible music in this video)
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Oh no!
Iiiiiiiittttttttt's finals time again folks! So everyone just say a little prayer for me so I don't fail out of school and get shamed back into the United States.
I would like to commend Jude on the filthiest, most thought out comment I've ever seen.
And I am just going to ask everyone to hold out for another week or two until finals are over and then I have a few ideas that I've been kickin' around the ol' bucket upstairs that'll knock your socks right off.
Finally, I just want to share this with all of you. The internet gives us all a good laugh every now and then, but I feel that this is the funniest thing I've seen in the history of ever - The Dangers of Being a TV News Reporter:
Goodnight and good luck.
I would like to commend Jude on the filthiest, most thought out comment I've ever seen.
And I am just going to ask everyone to hold out for another week or two until finals are over and then I have a few ideas that I've been kickin' around the ol' bucket upstairs that'll knock your socks right off.
Finally, I just want to share this with all of you. The internet gives us all a good laugh every now and then, but I feel that this is the funniest thing I've seen in the history of ever - The Dangers of Being a TV News Reporter:
Goodnight and good luck.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Ask and ye shall receive, Dave.
Exhibit A :
Exhibit B :
These are two examples of lazy marketing. Some people refer to these as the "idiot nets" because if you just scoop these through late night TV, you are bound to catch a few easy sales.
So what does this have to do with all of us? Today, I was the recipient of the following "idiot net" email. I have crossed out the names to protect the guilty:
After reading the email and clicking-thru to the website, here is the juice of that:
My initial positive thoughts:
1. His grammar, though not great, is passable.
2. He obviously has a grasp on how to google "iPod + Montreal + blog".
3. He has proven to me that he has at least read the first post of my blog.
4. He also seems to be a very trusting person since he equates my former residence in Chicago and current status in Montreal as somehow validating the idea that "Greatness of (CITY) = truthiness of stories about (OTHER CITY)" and that is a good thing.
5. There is no catch! They say it right there! That's a huge relief.
6. He thinks that I am an "outgoing social connector" and is correct.
My initial negative thoughts:
1. It's some crappy corporate scam.
2. He is a jackass.
What do you think? Should I do it?
Oh, hi. I didn't see you there. Well, as long as you're here, let me tell you about term life insurance.
You see, ever since Julie died, the funeral bills have been piling up. If only we had gotten this life insurance sooner.
Exhibit B :
Oh, darling, what is that you've put into the shopping cart? All new Smart Shakes? But those can't be good for you! WHAT? THEY ARE? They're packed with vitamins and anti-oxidants? That sounds great. Let's get 2!
These are two examples of lazy marketing. Some people refer to these as the "idiot nets" because if you just scoop these through late night TV, you are bound to catch a few easy sales.
So what does this have to do with all of us? Today, I was the recipient of the following "idiot net" email. I have crossed out the names to protect the guilty:
"I was reading your blog today. It was super funny. Tough break about the AOL thing. That 850 would have been nice to have. I have been to Chicago but I have not yet been to Montreal. Chicago was great so I can only assume that all the stories about Montreal are true. I wanted to check it out for UFC but the tickets sold it in like 20 seconds. Ah well, what can you do.
My name is ---- and I work for -----, a word of mouth marketing company in Toronto and we're looking for people in Montreal to try out a new ipod charger. All that we ask in return for you testing it out is your feedback. Hopefully you own an ipod and can get use out of a charger.
If you're interested you can check out ----- or you can email me back at ------.
Alright man, keep writing your blog, it's really funny. Take care,
-----"
After reading the email and clicking-thru to the website, here is the juice of that:
Is this you?
* Live, work or go to school in urban Toronto or Montreal
* Between the ages of 18-35
* Commute daily or travel long distances for work or school
* Own and regularly use an iPod
* Are active online and an outgoing social connector online and offline
What’s the catch?
There is no catch - all we ask in exchange for the ---- is that you use it as much as you can, show it to all your friends, talk about it whenever the opportunity arises, and provide us with your honest feedback about your experience...
My initial positive thoughts:
1. His grammar, though not great, is passable.
2. He obviously has a grasp on how to google "iPod + Montreal + blog".
3. He has proven to me that he has at least read the first post of my blog.
4. He also seems to be a very trusting person since he equates my former residence in Chicago and current status in Montreal as somehow validating the idea that "Greatness of (CITY) = truthiness of stories about (OTHER CITY)" and that is a good thing.
5. There is no catch! They say it right there! That's a huge relief.
6. He thinks that I am an "outgoing social connector" and is correct.
My initial negative thoughts:
1. It's some crappy corporate scam.
2. He is a jackass.
What do you think? Should I do it?
Monday, March 17, 2008
St. Patty.
So here we are. One more St. Patrick's Day down the drain, and I still don't have long-flowing red locks.
So it turns out that AOL was actually buying some shitty MySpace-ripoff website, so I am not going to see any part of that sweet sweet $850mil. Incidentally, if anyone knows about a good tattoo-removal service in Montreal, I may have (in all of the excitement) gotten a tattoo of the AOL guy on my head.
Hey, don't judge. You never know how you will act if you think that you're getting almost a billion dollars from this guy:
Yesterday, Kat and I experienced a first. It was our first neighbor complaint. I was in the kitchen cooking us some nice little pasta for dinner, when suddenly there is a knock on the door. Kat answers and says some gibberish in French, and then comes back and says that the guy upstairs asked if we could open a window because the garlic was bothering him. Apparently, we live directly below a vampire. An asshole of a vampire.
I have always imagined my first neighbor complaint to be over something silly that I could easily explain away and gain a nice friend out of it. "Oh, I'm sorry. That loud sound you heard will never happen again because that was me beating up a burglar. You're welcome for making our building safer." I would say. And they would love me.
But instead, we get Dracula in 3E with the sensitive olfactory. And he's not here because I just bested a would-be robber in a game of fists. He's here because he sucks and wants to piss me right the hell off.
Mission accomplished. I think I will fry up some garlic and then go suplex his Transilvanian ass.
So it turns out that AOL was actually buying some shitty MySpace-ripoff website, so I am not going to see any part of that sweet sweet $850mil. Incidentally, if anyone knows about a good tattoo-removal service in Montreal, I may have (in all of the excitement) gotten a tattoo of the AOL guy on my head.
Hey, don't judge. You never know how you will act if you think that you're getting almost a billion dollars from this guy:
Yesterday, Kat and I experienced a first. It was our first neighbor complaint. I was in the kitchen cooking us some nice little pasta for dinner, when suddenly there is a knock on the door. Kat answers and says some gibberish in French, and then comes back and says that the guy upstairs asked if we could open a window because the garlic was bothering him. Apparently, we live directly below a vampire. An asshole of a vampire.
I have always imagined my first neighbor complaint to be over something silly that I could easily explain away and gain a nice friend out of it. "Oh, I'm sorry. That loud sound you heard will never happen again because that was me beating up a burglar. You're welcome for making our building safer." I would say. And they would love me.
But instead, we get Dracula in 3E with the sensitive olfactory. And he's not here because I just bested a would-be robber in a game of fists. He's here because he sucks and wants to piss me right the hell off.
Mission accomplished. I think I will fry up some garlic and then go suplex his Transilvanian ass.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Gettin' ready for some cash.
As some of you may know, I am expecting a great amount of cash in my near future. Like, specifically, a shitload.
You can read all about it here.
To give you a little sampling...
You can read all about it here.
To give you a little sampling...
"The Time Warner-owned Web pioneer said Thursday that it has agreed to acquire Bebo... for $850 million."
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Whobuntu?
So now that midterms are all, mercifully, over, I turn my attention to what matters most - anything that isn't midterms.
When I was recently in Chicago, I was having a problem with my computer because of something or another and every time I typed, it would skip like every 3rd keystroke. It was the most annoying thing that I could imagine. Actually I can think of hundreds of things more annoying, but that doesn't quite have the same punch, does it? After evaluating all of the possibilities to fix it, I naturally took the most drastic approach - I installed a whole new operating system.
That's right. I've been a non-Microsoft Windows user for a bit over a week now and, my gosh, is it fantastic. What I'm rockin' now is Ubuntu which is a type of Linux. It's something that I've been thinking about for a while and I'm very glad I did. The community-driven principles are something that I wholeheartedly believe in.
The irony is that I have a bit of a history of making fun of Linux users and computer-nerds alike. They are generally ranked just above Republicans and slightly below art-school students in terms of groups that are both easy and gratifying to make fun of. And, like all good Windows-using, Democrat-voting, business-school students, I basked in the itty-bitty perceived moral superiority I had over the "others".
So, when I finally bared my soul to Kathryn and told her that I was going to be switching my digital allegiance from the safe Redmond umbrella of non-geekdom that I have cowered under since I first used a computer to the masses of Open Source geeks, nerds, long-hairs, 1337 h@x0rZ and the like, this was her response:
"So are you going have to make fun of yourself now?"
Well played, m'lady. Well played indeed.
When I was recently in Chicago, I was having a problem with my computer because of something or another and every time I typed, it would skip like every 3rd keystroke. It was the most annoying thing that I could imagine. Actually I can think of hundreds of things more annoying, but that doesn't quite have the same punch, does it? After evaluating all of the possibilities to fix it, I naturally took the most drastic approach - I installed a whole new operating system.
That's right. I've been a non-Microsoft Windows user for a bit over a week now and, my gosh, is it fantastic. What I'm rockin' now is Ubuntu which is a type of Linux. It's something that I've been thinking about for a while and I'm very glad I did. The community-driven principles are something that I wholeheartedly believe in.
The irony is that I have a bit of a history of making fun of Linux users and computer-nerds alike. They are generally ranked just above Republicans and slightly below art-school students in terms of groups that are both easy and gratifying to make fun of. And, like all good Windows-using, Democrat-voting, business-school students, I basked in the itty-bitty perceived moral superiority I had over the "others".
So, when I finally bared my soul to Kathryn and told her that I was going to be switching my digital allegiance from the safe Redmond umbrella of non-geekdom that I have cowered under since I first used a computer to the masses of Open Source geeks, nerds, long-hairs, 1337 h@x0rZ and the like, this was her response:
"So are you going have to make fun of yourself now?"
Well played, m'lady. Well played indeed.
Friday, February 29, 2008
4/4
So far, in all the rush of doing midterms, I have gotten A's in all 4 I've taken. And Saturday morning is the make-or-break one. Which I will fail because I'm getting cocky.
After the midterm rush, expect a whole gaggle of fun times to be had right here.
I've been waiting a long time to say this:
Happy Leap Day! One year ago today, I was 21. Is your mind blown?
After the midterm rush, expect a whole gaggle of fun times to be had right here.
I've been waiting a long time to say this:
Happy Leap Day! One year ago today, I was 21. Is your mind blown?
Friday, February 15, 2008
The envelope.
So today is obviously Valentine's Day. And I obviously got Kathryn a card. And since I am obviously a big dumbass, I didn't think to check that the envelope was big enough for the card. It wasn't. And now I'M the jackass.
I had 2 midterms today. It's Concordia's cute little way of saying "We don't want you to feel joy. Fee deadline is coming up. Save your money for that, assholes."
I had 2 midterms today. It's Concordia's cute little way of saying "We don't want you to feel joy. Fee deadline is coming up. Save your money for that, assholes."
Friday, February 8, 2008
School.
Wow. School this semester is really kicking my ass. It's amazing that when you actually do all of the work and are challenged mentally how draining it is.
If anyone knows me at all, they know a few truths about me. I am lazy. I am a world-class procrastinator. WORLD CLASS. And I generally don't get things done. So about a week ago, I had an epiphany! Sort of.
What happened is I stumbled onto this thing called GTD. It stands for Getting Things Done. And I am sold. It is basically a complete system for organizing your life and it is all very exciting.
There isn't too large a hump for getting your life in line with GTD, but the grand irony is that since starting this, I haven't really blogged. Hence, I am NOT getting things done. Most of my non-school or study time is spent obsessively scouring the odd corners of the internet for any tips or tricks to help me GET THINGS DONE.
"So what else is new in your extremely awesome, things-have-been-gotten-done life, Bebo?" one may ask. I would answer to that person, "Much."
In no order, some things of my world:
- Obama is really awesome and I think he would be voted Prime Minister of Canada with about a 98% margin if he ran up here. Oh wait... he can't speak French. So he'd get like 51%.
- I am in a group this semester that is the exact opposite of my rag-tag gaggle of miscreants from last semester. I enjoy it.
- I am in another group for a different class that consists of me, the worst human being ever whose name is pronounced "A Booty" - aka Badonkadonk, and a tall odd Asian man that NEVER goes to class. I want them to never talk to me again.
- I drink more Perrier than anyone should.
- Lost is back and it is GOOD.
- Every single female that lives on the island of Montreal wears boots. And everyone here kind of talks like Yoda. Whereas I would say, "This soup is good," a Montrealler says, "It's good, the soup." And another thing. I pronounce Montreal as MAHN-tree-all, they pronounce it MUNCH-re-all. I would say that they are correct because it's their city.
I am very sleepy and I have to go to Financial Accounting tomorrow, so I leave you with this quote:
"I'm touching all the candy" - Greased Up Deaf Guy
If anyone knows me at all, they know a few truths about me. I am lazy. I am a world-class procrastinator. WORLD CLASS. And I generally don't get things done. So about a week ago, I had an epiphany! Sort of.
What happened is I stumbled onto this thing called GTD. It stands for Getting Things Done. And I am sold. It is basically a complete system for organizing your life and it is all very exciting.
There isn't too large a hump for getting your life in line with GTD, but the grand irony is that since starting this, I haven't really blogged. Hence, I am NOT getting things done. Most of my non-school or study time is spent obsessively scouring the odd corners of the internet for any tips or tricks to help me GET THINGS DONE.
"So what else is new in your extremely awesome, things-have-been-gotten-done life, Bebo?" one may ask. I would answer to that person, "Much."
In no order, some things of my world:
- Obama is really awesome and I think he would be voted Prime Minister of Canada with about a 98% margin if he ran up here. Oh wait... he can't speak French. So he'd get like 51%.
- I am in a group this semester that is the exact opposite of my rag-tag gaggle of miscreants from last semester. I enjoy it.
- I am in another group for a different class that consists of me, the worst human being ever whose name is pronounced "A Booty" - aka Badonkadonk, and a tall odd Asian man that NEVER goes to class. I want them to never talk to me again.
- I drink more Perrier than anyone should.
- Lost is back and it is GOOD.
- Every single female that lives on the island of Montreal wears boots. And everyone here kind of talks like Yoda. Whereas I would say, "This soup is good," a Montrealler says, "It's good, the soup." And another thing. I pronounce Montreal as MAHN-tree-all, they pronounce it MUNCH-re-all. I would say that they are correct because it's their city.
I am very sleepy and I have to go to Financial Accounting tomorrow, so I leave you with this quote:
"I'm touching all the candy" - Greased Up Deaf Guy
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Super Duper Pooper Tuesday!
So as most of you know, today is the big day for the primaries. I voted about a week ago via absentee ballot. I promise promise pinkie swear to post something with a little substance to it very soon (as soon as I get caught up with my homework) but until then, I just wanted to share a thought for the undecided voters amongst us.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
A simple equation.
What do you get when you add together...
1 Ginsu knife
5 cloves of garlic
and 1 big fat hungry bastard in a rush to cook up some spaghetti sauce?
*** WARNING : SEMI-GRAPHIC PHOTO AHEAD ***
One sliced and diced ass finger.
And what did we learn, class?
1 Ginsu knife
5 cloves of garlic
and 1 big fat hungry bastard in a rush to cook up some spaghetti sauce?
*** WARNING : SEMI-GRAPHIC PHOTO AHEAD ***
One sliced and diced ass finger.
And what did we learn, class?
Monday, January 28, 2008
New Picture.
I don't have much to say other than I got my new glasses. And I don't know how to say this so I'll just say it. I'm lookin' good.
You can see a picture of me with my new peepers over there on the left in my blogger profile.
You can see a picture of me with my new peepers over there on the left in my blogger profile.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Wow.
In an effort to learn French without actually having to do anything, I have taken to leaving French-language newscasts on the TV while I'm doing other things. It's my osmosis version of learning French.
It hasn't worked. Yet.
So anyone that has ever watched TV in another language knows that every now and again you'll hear an English word. "En avec la blah blah blah Chicago Cubs la quelle blah blah..." You know what I'm talking about.
Since I've been doing my ghetto-FSL (French as a Second Language) news-learning, I've heard many English words and a lot of American names ("blah blah George Bush blah") but today I heard AND SAW the best one ever.
The sitch (that's the short way of saying situation)-
Chilling out on the couch, lamenting the state of the world. There was an odd report on the TV that caught my attention because of the upturned cars and burning skyline of some war-torn city.
As I'm watching, remember the images are of upside-down, burning cars and hundreds of people running through the streets in some faraway country, the voice over says, (with my own version of made up French jibberish) "Et la je ne bah le blah blah PEPSI COLA. Je ne pas le blah blah blah CONDOLEEZZA RICE blah blah blah."
Fade to black.
What do Condi and Pepsi have to do with Uganda or Gaza or wherever that was? The world will never know. Well the English-speaking world will never know.
It hasn't worked. Yet.
So anyone that has ever watched TV in another language knows that every now and again you'll hear an English word. "En avec la blah blah blah Chicago Cubs la quelle blah blah..." You know what I'm talking about.
Since I've been doing my ghetto-FSL (French as a Second Language) news-learning, I've heard many English words and a lot of American names ("blah blah George Bush blah") but today I heard AND SAW the best one ever.
The sitch (that's the short way of saying situation)-
Chilling out on the couch, lamenting the state of the world. There was an odd report on the TV that caught my attention because of the upturned cars and burning skyline of some war-torn city.
As I'm watching, remember the images are of upside-down, burning cars and hundreds of people running through the streets in some faraway country, the voice over says, (with my own version of made up French jibberish) "Et la je ne bah le blah blah PEPSI COLA. Je ne pas le blah blah blah CONDOLEEZZA RICE blah blah blah."
Fade to black.
What do Condi and Pepsi have to do with Uganda or Gaza or wherever that was? The world will never know. Well the English-speaking world will never know.
Assimilation.
When I first moved to Montreal, I was a fat American that wore Bears and Cubs jerseys all the time. Now I am a fat American that wears solid-colored non-branded clothing.
When I first moved to Montreal, I giggled every time someone said 'loonie' or 'toonie'. Now I jiggle the $24 worth of change in my pocket like the most jovial of Canadians.
When I first moved to Montreal, I didn't know anything about Canadian politics. Now, I know more about the Prime Ministers and MPs of Canada than anyone I know (other than Kathryn's dad).
When I first moved to Montreal, I had no idea how far 238 kilometers was, how tall a man is who is 1.8 meters, or how much pop was in a 581 kilogram bottle. Now, I still don't have any idea, but I have gotten good at going, "Oh, ok. Wow, 238 meters, eh?"
When I first moved to Montreal, I felt that I stood out as an American. But lately, I thought I had been assimilating very well.
That all changed when I went to Java U to get something to drink yesterday.
I walked in to the shop with a couple of toonies burning a hole in my pocket and a deep thirst for some espresso. What I got instead was a big old chunk of humble pie. When I got to the counter, I surveyed the menu, saw my favorite drink, and ordered an Americano. Without skipping a beat, the girl asks me what part of America I'm from!
I was shocked that from my massive girth and my choice of drink she could deduct my country of origin.
So later that day, over dinner I ask Kat, "Is it really obvious that I am an American? Like from my accent?"
She thought about it for a minute and then said, "No. Well like you can tell that you're... well that you're not... umm. Well yeah. It's obvious."
I am shocked. I really thought I was as Canadian as maple pie.
And for something totally unrelated, here is a bird pooping in a guy's mouth.
When I first moved to Montreal, I giggled every time someone said 'loonie' or 'toonie'. Now I jiggle the $24 worth of change in my pocket like the most jovial of Canadians.
When I first moved to Montreal, I didn't know anything about Canadian politics. Now, I know more about the Prime Ministers and MPs of Canada than anyone I know (other than Kathryn's dad).
When I first moved to Montreal, I had no idea how far 238 kilometers was, how tall a man is who is 1.8 meters, or how much pop was in a 581 kilogram bottle. Now, I still don't have any idea, but I have gotten good at going, "Oh, ok. Wow, 238 meters, eh?"
When I first moved to Montreal, I felt that I stood out as an American. But lately, I thought I had been assimilating very well.
That all changed when I went to Java U to get something to drink yesterday.
I walked in to the shop with a couple of toonies burning a hole in my pocket and a deep thirst for some espresso. What I got instead was a big old chunk of humble pie. When I got to the counter, I surveyed the menu, saw my favorite drink, and ordered an Americano. Without skipping a beat, the girl asks me what part of America I'm from!
I was shocked that from my massive girth and my choice of drink she could deduct my country of origin.
So later that day, over dinner I ask Kat, "Is it really obvious that I am an American? Like from my accent?"
She thought about it for a minute and then said, "No. Well like you can tell that you're... well that you're not... umm. Well yeah. It's obvious."
I am shocked. I really thought I was as Canadian as maple pie.
And for something totally unrelated, here is a bird pooping in a guy's mouth.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Votre santé.
Today was my first real foray into the 'socialized' health care of Canada. It really wasn't because I only went to the eye doctor, so it was kind of like socialized medicine with training-wheels. And the verdict? That was the best damned eye exam I've ever had.
It was time for me to get some new contacts because I've been having the worst headaches for the last month whenever I'm wearing my contacts. And my glasses are all old and crappy and greasy and scratched. The doctor was asian of course, because all of the people I know in Montreal seem to be from the far east. She died my eyes so they were all blue like in Dune.
And she gave me contacts for astigmatism. Because that's what I have. Also a very nice unibrowed man helped me pick all the different options for my glasses.
And the best part? I don't feel at all like a communist. The Gipper can go F himself, that lying bastard.
It was time for me to get some new contacts because I've been having the worst headaches for the last month whenever I'm wearing my contacts. And my glasses are all old and crappy and greasy and scratched. The doctor was asian of course, because all of the people I know in Montreal seem to be from the far east. She died my eyes so they were all blue like in Dune.
And she gave me contacts for astigmatism. Because that's what I have. Also a very nice unibrowed man helped me pick all the different options for my glasses.
And the best part? I don't feel at all like a communist. The Gipper can go F himself, that lying bastard.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
All better.
I noticed that some of the pictures on here weren't showing up and I think I got it all fixed now. So if you've read something recently and it didn't make any sense, go back and try it again because there may be a nice little picture there now! And if it still doesn't make sense, than I would like to say, "How have you been, Joe Flamm?"
HEY-O!
HEY-O!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Today.
First off I would like to thank Philadelphia Collins for making an appearance. Your thoughts are taken to heart.
Next I would like to explain my weak offerings for blogs in the last week. I have actually been studying! Yes, even this early in the semester, I have been studying and even doing homework (something I've had an aversion to since I was 2). One of my New Year's Resolutions was to get an A+ in at least one class. You see, Concordia has this goofy grading system where they actually give +'s and -'s. So it is actually possible to get an A+ and I want one. And since I'm majoring in Accountancy, where better to start than Financial Accounting? So, even in the first week of the semester, I am actually doing homework. From a photocopied book.
And since I realized I was being a bit paranoid about the whole book thing, as a token of gratitude for your patience, here is a picture of one.
Also, to clear up the whole blood blister thing, here is where it happened. I was stepping off of the elliptical and I put my foot down right on that exact plug you will see in the picture. Right on those big ass metal blades of death. And I know they are supposed to be standardized, but I would be willing to bet that, through some manufacturing error, the metal plugs on this specific wall adapter are up to, if not greater than, 8 times the size of normal metal plugs. At least that's the way it felt on my foot right when I walked all over those bloodthirsty folded electrical conductors of hate. I have set up a nice little re-enactment because the gigantic plug in question is now banished to being pushed under the couch. Yes, I pulled it out into the light of night just to give you all a glimpse.
And this is a picture of the crime scene.
And this is a picture of my foot one week (almost to the hour) later. (Note gigantic blood blister that hurt like the sizzling bacon of Lucifer when Kathryn unmercifully lanced it with a needle)
And this is a picture of a pony.
And this is a picture of Skeletor.
Next I would like to explain my weak offerings for blogs in the last week. I have actually been studying! Yes, even this early in the semester, I have been studying and even doing homework (something I've had an aversion to since I was 2). One of my New Year's Resolutions was to get an A+ in at least one class. You see, Concordia has this goofy grading system where they actually give +'s and -'s. So it is actually possible to get an A+ and I want one. And since I'm majoring in Accountancy, where better to start than Financial Accounting? So, even in the first week of the semester, I am actually doing homework. From a photocopied book.
And since I realized I was being a bit paranoid about the whole book thing, as a token of gratitude for your patience, here is a picture of one.
Also, to clear up the whole blood blister thing, here is where it happened. I was stepping off of the elliptical and I put my foot down right on that exact plug you will see in the picture. Right on those big ass metal blades of death. And I know they are supposed to be standardized, but I would be willing to bet that, through some manufacturing error, the metal plugs on this specific wall adapter are up to, if not greater than, 8 times the size of normal metal plugs. At least that's the way it felt on my foot right when I walked all over those bloodthirsty folded electrical conductors of hate. I have set up a nice little re-enactment because the gigantic plug in question is now banished to being pushed under the couch. Yes, I pulled it out into the light of night just to give you all a glimpse.
And this is a picture of the crime scene.
And this is a picture of my foot one week (almost to the hour) later. (Note gigantic blood blister that hurt like the sizzling bacon of Lucifer when Kathryn unmercifully lanced it with a needle)
And this is a picture of a pony.
And this is a picture of Skeletor.
Monday, January 14, 2008
WHY?
How come after 60+ years, we humans still haven't come up with anything more delicious than the peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a big ol' bowl of cereal?
Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Friday, January 11, 2008
The teacher.
I had class today. Well, two classes, actually. But let's just talk for a minute about the first. It was Marketing, which is one that I have been dreading since I registered for it months ago. I have been dreading it because I assumed it would be a semester-long torture chamber of business-speak (you know what I'm talking about - "the integrated solutions of a global-level customer focused small business blah blah blah...") and I also thought that it would do what most of my business classes have done so far which is remove all thought and feeling from people and make them into emotionless money-hoarding idiots that must be coaxed into giving the honest businessmen of the world their cold, hard cash.
I was right.
But there is something quite good about the class. It's something that is so good that when I was in class, I took out a pen and paper and wrote, "Note to self - Write blog about teacher's hilarious habit."
For a good mental image, he looks EXACTLY like Jin from Lost. Picture Jin here with a pink tie.
So here is my teacher's habit:
You know when you are asking someone a question that you KNOW they know the answer to and they just... can't... think... of... it...? And you know that odd little thing we all do where we attempt to let the person save face by saying the answer syllable-by-syllable VERY slowly? Let me give you an example.
"Hey, Francis. Do you know who the first president of America was?"
"Oh, yeah Raul. Sure I know it. It was... uhhh. Ummm... Oh what the fuck was his name? I can picture him. With the hair. On the money. With the slaves. What is his name? Come on. I know this" (ETC.)
"Jooooo......joooooooooorrrrrrr.....joooooorrrrrrrrrrrggggggeeeee...."
"Oh yeah George Washington!"
Well my teacher does that. And he really drags out the syllables. Like he REALLY DRAGS them out. People were laughing at him openly. And others were dumbfounded. It was like putting on a record of an opera and then holding your finger along the edge to really slow that bastard down.
But unfortunately for everyone in that class, he does his little syllable-thing at odd times to questions that nobody knows the answer to. This is what he did, and I have the notes to prove it.
"What should business try and make?" was his question. Now this is a pretty broad question. Money would be my first guess. Or a better world. Or something big and general. That would be why he is asking us, wouldn't it? That's not how he sees it. What followed was a 45 second-long syllable stream that was as funny as it was awkward.
"Looooooooo....loooooooonnnnnnn......looooonnnnnnngggggggg. Long. Long tttttttt..... long tteeeeeeeeerrrrrrr...."
And he saw it out to the bitter end. I'll spare you and my keyboard the rest of the drawn-outness of his answer. What he was looking for was "Long-term profitable customer-driven strategy." It was on the tip of my tongue. I swear.
Oh and mom, I'm sorry I didn't call back the other night. Kathryn lanced my blood blister and it hurt really bad and I laid on the couch in pain for a while. Then it was too late to call. It is much better today. I love you.
I was right.
But there is something quite good about the class. It's something that is so good that when I was in class, I took out a pen and paper and wrote, "Note to self - Write blog about teacher's hilarious habit."
For a good mental image, he looks EXACTLY like Jin from Lost. Picture Jin here with a pink tie.
So here is my teacher's habit:
You know when you are asking someone a question that you KNOW they know the answer to and they just... can't... think... of... it...? And you know that odd little thing we all do where we attempt to let the person save face by saying the answer syllable-by-syllable VERY slowly? Let me give you an example.
"Hey, Francis. Do you know who the first president of America was?"
"Oh, yeah Raul. Sure I know it. It was... uhhh. Ummm... Oh what the fuck was his name? I can picture him. With the hair. On the money. With the slaves. What is his name? Come on. I know this" (ETC.)
"Jooooo......joooooooooorrrrrrr.....joooooorrrrrrrrrrrggggggeeeee...."
"Oh yeah George Washington!"
Well my teacher does that. And he really drags out the syllables. Like he REALLY DRAGS them out. People were laughing at him openly. And others were dumbfounded. It was like putting on a record of an opera and then holding your finger along the edge to really slow that bastard down.
But unfortunately for everyone in that class, he does his little syllable-thing at odd times to questions that nobody knows the answer to. This is what he did, and I have the notes to prove it.
"What should business try and make?" was his question. Now this is a pretty broad question. Money would be my first guess. Or a better world. Or something big and general. That would be why he is asking us, wouldn't it? That's not how he sees it. What followed was a 45 second-long syllable stream that was as funny as it was awkward.
"Looooooooo....loooooooonnnnnnn......looooonnnnnnngggggggg. Long. Long tttttttt..... long tteeeeeeeeerrrrrrr...."
And he saw it out to the bitter end. I'll spare you and my keyboard the rest of the drawn-outness of his answer. What he was looking for was "Long-term profitable customer-driven strategy." It was on the tip of my tongue. I swear.
Oh and mom, I'm sorry I didn't call back the other night. Kathryn lanced my blood blister and it hurt really bad and I laid on the couch in pain for a while. Then it was too late to call. It is much better today. I love you.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The books. (Or how a Chinese man in a red hat saved me $300)
I have gone back and forth about writing this because, frankly, it is a tale of some not-so legal activities. I've decided it is too great and odd a tale to keep to myself. So, for the sake of those involved, I will omit some details but the store is as it happened.
Here goes...
I have been dreading buying textbooks for this semester because they are so expensive. An Asian friend of mine gave me a phone number to call (I think it was the equivalent of giving me a "he's with me" card). This person - who shall remain nameless, but only because I cannot pronounce their real name, only their fake English name - suggested I call this phone number and they will give me copies of my textbooks that a *cough* Mr. Xerox *cough* gave them. (Get it?)
Today, I called the number. I was all giddy and felt like I was doing something all bad and it was this big cool thing. I had my list of textbooks I needed and I wasn't too sure of what to expect.
RING RING RING...
"Herro?" - Asian Woman (Editor's note : Herr0 = Hello)
"Yes, hello. Umm... Hi. I uh... need some books?" - Me
"Wha nahbah?" Asian Woman (Wha nahbah = What number)
"Umm... I'm sorry. Do you want uhhh... like the ISBN number or..." - Me
"Coos nahbah" - Asian Woman (Coos nahbah = Course number)
I tell her and she tells me the price for all my books. And then comes the best part.
"You meet him outside of (coffee store whose name I won't say because I don't want to ruin the racket they have going with the textbooks), ok?" - Asian Woman
"How will I..." - Me
"Chinese man wearing red hat. 7:30. Don't be late. Bye." - Asian Woman
So now I have the drop-point! Fast forward 3 hours and about 200 of my shitty jokes about the Yakuza and how, "these aren't the kind of people we should be messing with."
Rollin deep in the Toyota (don't say I don't know about fitting in), Kathryn and I pull up to the "spot" and I wonder how easy it will be to pick out "our guy".
It was very easy. It was like a bad TV show. There was a 20-something Asian kid wearing nice clothes, a black puffy coat, and the most dollar-store bright-ass plain red hat you have ever seen standing on the corner. He was all pacing around and looking at his watch and carrying the most conspicuous plastic bag of books you've ever seen.
$130 later, I have 75 pounds of textbooks that would have cost me well over $400, as well as a new found kinship with red-hatted Asians.
Here goes...
I have been dreading buying textbooks for this semester because they are so expensive. An Asian friend of mine gave me a phone number to call (I think it was the equivalent of giving me a "he's with me" card). This person - who shall remain nameless, but only because I cannot pronounce their real name, only their fake English name - suggested I call this phone number and they will give me copies of my textbooks that a *cough* Mr. Xerox *cough* gave them. (Get it?)
Today, I called the number. I was all giddy and felt like I was doing something all bad and it was this big cool thing. I had my list of textbooks I needed and I wasn't too sure of what to expect.
RING RING RING...
"Herro?" - Asian Woman (Editor's note : Herr0 = Hello)
"Yes, hello. Umm... Hi. I uh... need some books?" - Me
"Wha nahbah?" Asian Woman (Wha nahbah = What number)
"Umm... I'm sorry. Do you want uhhh... like the ISBN number or..." - Me
"Coos nahbah" - Asian Woman (Coos nahbah = Course number)
I tell her and she tells me the price for all my books. And then comes the best part.
"You meet him outside of (coffee store whose name I won't say because I don't want to ruin the racket they have going with the textbooks), ok?" - Asian Woman
"How will I..." - Me
"Chinese man wearing red hat. 7:30. Don't be late. Bye." - Asian Woman
So now I have the drop-point! Fast forward 3 hours and about 200 of my shitty jokes about the Yakuza and how, "these aren't the kind of people we should be messing with."
Rollin deep in the Toyota (don't say I don't know about fitting in), Kathryn and I pull up to the "spot" and I wonder how easy it will be to pick out "our guy".
It was very easy. It was like a bad TV show. There was a 20-something Asian kid wearing nice clothes, a black puffy coat, and the most dollar-store bright-ass plain red hat you have ever seen standing on the corner. He was all pacing around and looking at his watch and carrying the most conspicuous plastic bag of books you've ever seen.
$130 later, I have 75 pounds of textbooks that would have cost me well over $400, as well as a new found kinship with red-hatted Asians.
Friday, January 4, 2008
In honor of Mike.
As I'm sure most of you know, Mike Huckabee won the Iowa Primary last night. This is the first step in his journey to become president. As I chronicled here, he is a bad man. But don't just take my word for it. Take a look at the reaction by our dog Zoe.
And, no, that cabinet won't save you from the 350 pound sadist in stripes, Zoe.
And, no, that cabinet won't save you from the 350 pound sadist in stripes, Zoe.
How far we've come.
A little more than a century ago, Henry Ford spoke very eloquently about his vision of the future. He said something along the lines of every working man will be able to afford an automobile and nobody will be able to imagine life without it. Looking back 100 years later, he couldn't have been more accurate.
Winston Churchill once spoke of the Nazi threat and said that if England were to rise up and defeat the Nazis, it would be looked back upon as their "finest hour".
In the 60s, the founder of Intel, Gordon Moore, said that the amount of transistors that can be fit onto a computer chip will double every 2 years. Even today, "Moore's Law" still applies.
Also in the 60s, JFK pledged to put man on the moon before the end of the decade. On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. MAYBE.
What am I talking about? What do all of these things have in common?
They are all great feats of man that have happened since Josephine Cochrane invented the dishwasher in 1886.
And yet today I arched down and slopped water and apple-scented soap all over some dirty ass old dishes. I HATE washing dishes. Why can't every home in North America have a dishwasher?
There I am, like some sort of poor African child. At least I have a computer, which is something that separates me from the poor people of the world.
Oh yeah that whole One Laptop Per Child thing. Well I feel like I've been brought down a couple notches, don't I?
One other thing I wanted point out that is wrong with the world is the folded toilet paper in hotels. If you've been to a hotel anytime in the last few decades, you'll know just what I'm talking about. Kathryn and I stayed in a very lovely hotel for New Years, and everything was just lovely. JUST LOVELY. Except the toilet paper fold. Since Kathryn and I forgot our cameras in Montreal and were walking around like tourists with a disposable camera, I didn't take a picture of it then. But I wouldn't let you all down, so here's a reenactment I did here in our apartment.
I can see how, to some hotel executive, this can be seen as giving the room that "extra little touch!" But that is exactly the problem. That extra little TOUCH. As in someone has purposely touched the toilet paper. And that person was neither me, nor a sanitary robot-being, so that is bad.
People spend literally billions of dollars a year on products and things that protect our most sensitive of areas from the unwashed masses. Right now I am wearing underwear and shorts so that the world and its dirty fingernails and oddly scented hands cannot infect my ass.
Please, kind cleaning lady (or man), don't touch anymore toilet paper. If you get fired for not folding the toilet paper and get shipped off to some poor distant land, don't fret. We will send you a laptop.
Winston Churchill once spoke of the Nazi threat and said that if England were to rise up and defeat the Nazis, it would be looked back upon as their "finest hour".
In the 60s, the founder of Intel, Gordon Moore, said that the amount of transistors that can be fit onto a computer chip will double every 2 years. Even today, "Moore's Law" still applies.
Also in the 60s, JFK pledged to put man on the moon before the end of the decade. On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. MAYBE.
What am I talking about? What do all of these things have in common?
They are all great feats of man that have happened since Josephine Cochrane invented the dishwasher in 1886.
And yet today I arched down and slopped water and apple-scented soap all over some dirty ass old dishes. I HATE washing dishes. Why can't every home in North America have a dishwasher?
There I am, like some sort of poor African child. At least I have a computer, which is something that separates me from the poor people of the world.
Oh yeah that whole One Laptop Per Child thing. Well I feel like I've been brought down a couple notches, don't I?
One other thing I wanted point out that is wrong with the world is the folded toilet paper in hotels. If you've been to a hotel anytime in the last few decades, you'll know just what I'm talking about. Kathryn and I stayed in a very lovely hotel for New Years, and everything was just lovely. JUST LOVELY. Except the toilet paper fold. Since Kathryn and I forgot our cameras in Montreal and were walking around like tourists with a disposable camera, I didn't take a picture of it then. But I wouldn't let you all down, so here's a reenactment I did here in our apartment.
I can see how, to some hotel executive, this can be seen as giving the room that "extra little touch!" But that is exactly the problem. That extra little TOUCH. As in someone has purposely touched the toilet paper. And that person was neither me, nor a sanitary robot-being, so that is bad.
People spend literally billions of dollars a year on products and things that protect our most sensitive of areas from the unwashed masses. Right now I am wearing underwear and shorts so that the world and its dirty fingernails and oddly scented hands cannot infect my ass.
Please, kind cleaning lady (or man), don't touch anymore toilet paper. If you get fired for not folding the toilet paper and get shipped off to some poor distant land, don't fret. We will send you a laptop.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Back in Canada.
I just wanted to say HOLLER to all my people. We're back in Montreal now. Kathryn and I came back to a foot and a half of snow and blistering cold weather. Thanks fronts. Specifically cold fronts.
We had a great week with everyone even though it was a whirlwind. Too little time, too many people I love to see, and too much food that I didn't get to eat. One person I didn't get to see enough that I really wanted to spend more time with was Tim and here I publicly apologize to him. Also I have about 30 cousins and aunts and uncles and one grandma that I didn't get to see... So to everyone I MISS YOU and please understand.
Now with that all out of the way, I just want to say that I have the coolest parents ever. I can tell you, with an open heart and a clear conscience, that nobody else got a wolf blanket from their parents for Christmas except me. I'll get some pictures on here soon as soon as I unroll that hoss.
Before I go to bed, I have a little scenario that has been playing out in my head for the last 3 hours and I wanna tell you all about it. Take a walk with me, will you? Let's go back in time 150 years to 1858. Let's say we're sitting around talking to some railroad tycoon and I'm telling him about the future.
"Well, Mr. Tycoon, you see trains really peaked a long time ago. They lost a lot of small- to mid-range business to cars. Cars are these little machines that drive around and they ruin the environment and kill people, but we love them," I say after we all have had a nice brunch.
"Yes, yes, I see what you mean, future-person. Hey, is everyone in the future all fat like you?" he replies. His jovial tone belies the disgust in his eyes.
"No Mr. Tycoon. They are not," I awkwardly stammer. As our eyes meet, he can see the shame I am trying desperately to hide. He peers over my shoulder and sees all of you giving sympathetic looks to the back of my head. He brings our conversation back to the issue of travel.
"Oh well, anyways, what replaces the long-range travel in the future?" he says with a whimsical raise of his bushy brows.
"Well Mr. Tycoon, the long-distance travel is all done on airplanes. They are these gigantic metal tubes that fly through the air at a few-hundred miles-per-hour at upwards of 30,000 feet. Millions of people move about the world on airplanes." I say.
"Well you are the devil and that is crazy-talk! How do they keep from crashing?" he chokes.
"The entire industry is heavily regulated by the government. It is funny because it is something that the airline industry fought hard against, but it is the best thing for them. It is very safe and it made the world a smaller place." I retort.
"Well this airline business sure sounds like the best thing ever!" he spits, with a giddiness that makes his eyes sparkle like the North Star.
"Well there is one thing, Mr. Tycoon. It is something really, really bad about flying. It really is horrible and there is no way around it?" I explain.
"What. The. Fuck. You. Lying. Fat. Future. Man. Flying is the best thing ever. What could possibly be so bad?" he hisses through gritted teeth. You all take a few steps back because he is pissed.
"Well there are these bastard people called 'baggage handlers' that gain pleasure from throwing people's luggage around. Why in fact, in a trip from Chicago to Montreal I was just on, the heathen 'baggage handlers' ripped off my nice little name tag and broke a zipper off of my luggage." I explain.
He weeps. We let ourselves out quietly. Oddly enough, we ALL forgot to tell him to warn Abe Lincoln not to go to that play in about 7 years.
He would have forgotten to warn ol' Honest Abe anyway, though. Right?
We had a great week with everyone even though it was a whirlwind. Too little time, too many people I love to see, and too much food that I didn't get to eat. One person I didn't get to see enough that I really wanted to spend more time with was Tim and here I publicly apologize to him. Also I have about 30 cousins and aunts and uncles and one grandma that I didn't get to see... So to everyone I MISS YOU and please understand.
Now with that all out of the way, I just want to say that I have the coolest parents ever. I can tell you, with an open heart and a clear conscience, that nobody else got a wolf blanket from their parents for Christmas except me. I'll get some pictures on here soon as soon as I unroll that hoss.
Before I go to bed, I have a little scenario that has been playing out in my head for the last 3 hours and I wanna tell you all about it. Take a walk with me, will you? Let's go back in time 150 years to 1858. Let's say we're sitting around talking to some railroad tycoon and I'm telling him about the future.
"Well, Mr. Tycoon, you see trains really peaked a long time ago. They lost a lot of small- to mid-range business to cars. Cars are these little machines that drive around and they ruin the environment and kill people, but we love them," I say after we all have had a nice brunch.
"Yes, yes, I see what you mean, future-person. Hey, is everyone in the future all fat like you?" he replies. His jovial tone belies the disgust in his eyes.
"No Mr. Tycoon. They are not," I awkwardly stammer. As our eyes meet, he can see the shame I am trying desperately to hide. He peers over my shoulder and sees all of you giving sympathetic looks to the back of my head. He brings our conversation back to the issue of travel.
"Oh well, anyways, what replaces the long-range travel in the future?" he says with a whimsical raise of his bushy brows.
"Well Mr. Tycoon, the long-distance travel is all done on airplanes. They are these gigantic metal tubes that fly through the air at a few-hundred miles-per-hour at upwards of 30,000 feet. Millions of people move about the world on airplanes." I say.
"Well you are the devil and that is crazy-talk! How do they keep from crashing?" he chokes.
"The entire industry is heavily regulated by the government. It is funny because it is something that the airline industry fought hard against, but it is the best thing for them. It is very safe and it made the world a smaller place." I retort.
"Well this airline business sure sounds like the best thing ever!" he spits, with a giddiness that makes his eyes sparkle like the North Star.
"Well there is one thing, Mr. Tycoon. It is something really, really bad about flying. It really is horrible and there is no way around it?" I explain.
"What. The. Fuck. You. Lying. Fat. Future. Man. Flying is the best thing ever. What could possibly be so bad?" he hisses through gritted teeth. You all take a few steps back because he is pissed.
"Well there are these bastard people called 'baggage handlers' that gain pleasure from throwing people's luggage around. Why in fact, in a trip from Chicago to Montreal I was just on, the heathen 'baggage handlers' ripped off my nice little name tag and broke a zipper off of my luggage." I explain.
He weeps. We let ourselves out quietly. Oddly enough, we ALL forgot to tell him to warn Abe Lincoln not to go to that play in about 7 years.
He would have forgotten to warn ol' Honest Abe anyway, though. Right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
