But that doesn't mean that going to Starbucks to get coffee is always a pleasant experience. In fact, according to a very unscientific study taken today by a certain fat American man living in Montreal, Starbucks can sometimes be downright unpleasant! In all, I found it to be offensive to 3 of my 5 senses. Let me explain.
The 2 good ones:
- Taste. I love Iced Americanos, so they rank high in taste. Easy enough.
- Smell. This is only because 75% of taste comes from our sense of smell. Otherwise, this would be lower on the list.
The senses that were attacked by the Starbucks in Fairview mall:
- Sight. This was an unpleasant trip for my eyes because in general, people are kind of creepy. Take that to the next step and say that the people in a mall on a Sunday 10 minutes before closing aren't the best control group for a study on beauty. In the feng shui of people, they are the milk crates stacked up for end tables.
- Sound. Through a recent partnership between Apple and Starbucks, the iPhone and iPod Touch will be able to download music from the Starbucks you're in. Say you're in a Starbucks and you like a song that is playing through an overhead speaker, it will show right up on your iPod so you can download it for $.99
This is great, except that every single song that I have ever heard in a Starbucks has been horrible.
I rate bad music in my head by 1 of 2 scales. Either there is the playcount scale or there is the timer scale. The basis of either of these is how long you can listen to a song or genre or artist before you want to run away.
Examples:
This scores in the "Less than 1 Playcount and Under 1 Minute total time" zone of the scale. This means that the maximum I can listen to this is less than one complete play through and less than one minute. Bad either way.
This, on the other hand, would be in the "5 to 6 consecutive plays or 25-30 minute range" before I was done.
Get the basics of the scale? I hope so.
Anything I've ever heard at Starbucks has been in the "Instantly Done" category. As in STOP. So why would I want to download these songs? Moreover, why would I pay for them?
- Touch. This is directed at one man in particular. If I knew his name, I'd tell you so you could warn your friends about him. I don't though, so this will have to do: tall, dorky, French, and has one very bad habit.
"Oh God, Bebo, just tell me what is his bad habit!" you may be saying right now. Calm down.
Let me put it this way: If you are in a line (or as the Brits call them, queues) and you drop something, don't just bend over and grab it. Turn 90 degrees, check to make sure that you won't rub your French ass on people, then bend down to grab whatever it is you may have dropped. In the very unlikely situation that you cannot turn 90 degrees, then at least bend at the knees and not the waist. You, my coffee-drinking French companion of Starbuckery, have been blessed. You have been given the gift of having more than one moving joint on your body. See diagram :
Human Being (Many Joints)
(source)
Dunking Bird (One Joint)
(source)
See the difference?
5 comments:
My only fault with Starbucks is they bailed on a major Pro-tour cycling team sponsorship. They had planed on taking over The Discovery chanel pro cycling team for the 2008 season but chainged plans at the last second and a great cycling team had to breakup.
Other than that I like the coffee.
Can you still buy dunking birds? I've gotta get me one.
I didn't know that the Discovery channel team was done! That's shitty.
Every time I see dunking birds, I think of that Simpsons where Homer gets all fat and has that thing hit "Y" all day. Classic
Starbucks has broken up more than just a great cycling team. Go Second Cup!
Fuck coffee. And exercise. You turds bring a fat man down.
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